You Still Tell Too Much

So Telltale are doing a Minecraft game now....

Remember my post about Telltale a few weeks ago? Yeah, read that again because my point still stands.

John Cena: Your Time Is Up

Last year I wrote a piece about how WWE’s World Heavyweight Championship should be axed and how we needed just one undisputed champion. It’s interesting how only two months later we got exactly what I (And a lot of other fans) demanded. Now, I’m not saying I can predict the future or anything but if WWE want to take pointers from this next piece then I wholeheartedly welcome them. They obviously won’t of course but hey ho, it’s fun to speculate. As the year closes out I confess to not watching much of the product this year. We can always point to reasons such as the Grumpy Cat being a guest host of RAW or whatever but a larger issue is WWE’s stubbornness to acknowledge any sense of modernity regarding their most trusted and valued figurehead. We are coming close to ten years of John Cena being the top guy of the WWE; ten years of never giving up, of hustle, loyalty, respect but more importantly ten years of stagnation, lack of effort and wasted potential. Wrestlemania 21 was a clear signpost of the changing of the guard and Wrestlemania 31 will most likely be a signpost of the guard having never budged a fucking inch as cobwebs form under his nose and pigeons take a dump on his bright multicoloured shirts.

This may sound really odd but John Cena reminds me of Anita Sarkeesian in a way. You can produce a well written argument against their presence in their respective fields and while a few people have done that, all sensible thought is drowned out by an avalanche of childish screaming and pointless hatred. “John Cena sucks! He can’t wrestle! He’s the worst thing in wrestling! He’s destroyed the wrestling business! He buries everyone” is not uncommonly heard when browsing most wrestling forums and online communities. Yes, there are problems with his character – even respected veteran Mick Foley has addressed this. Most of this post will be related to how to go about fixing John Cena but in order to get it out of the way first I’m going to quickly go over everything that is wrong with Cena at the moment.

OK….deep breath.

John Cena is obviously shares many parallels with Hulk Hogan which is evident through his incorruptible passion to always do what is right and is displayed as the ideal role model for children everywhere. “Never Give Up” his merchandise often encourages, a simple tagline for kids to follow and aspire to live by. This isn’t far removed from the “Say Your Prayers and Eat Your Vitamins” shtick that Hogan lived and breathed in the 1980’s. Yet there’s a big difference between Hulk and Cena – Hogan knew how to act vulnerable. For comparison’s sake, look up Hogan’s reaction when he first lost the title in 1988 where the poor fucker was nearly in tears. Whenever Cena loses in a big time situation, he tends to just shrug it off, go “herp a derp, I lost” and win in the end anyway; almost as if he’s cognisant and knows that there’s no chance of him losing. Many people liken John Cena to Superman, claiming him to be a boring, vanilla do gooder like the Man of Steel but even that is a harsh comparison and kind of an insult to Superman. Superman at least had the decency to be killed off in the 90s. Kal-El is burdened with the task of being a symbol of hope to a planet who doesn’t always love and in some cases conspires against him. He (depending on whatever continuity DC wants to run) is the last of his race and deals with loneliness, loss and juggling two separate identities. There's something in Superman that WWE forgot to give Cena - struggle. This is a basic foundation of character development that John Cena cannot even come close to. John Cena does not know vulnerability and is protected to the nth degree and we’ve had to put up with this for so many years. Basically, this is why I do not like the character that John Cena portrays.

What’s even more insulting is the fact that WWE is blatantly aware of this issue. They know that a large part of their audience dislikes Cena and have hinted at a possible heel turn only to go back to the soul crushing status quo. I get the impression that WWE thinks we should just live with this because fuck our opinions. Cena himself will address the boos and state that we have the right to our voice our feelings – as if that’s good enough to solve the issue of this awful booking. John Cena is placed in the shoes of the almighty babyface and is plotted against a conga line of various heels while WWE expects us to root for him. John Cena is not a babyface, he’s a weird transcendence or mutation of a character that’s hard to define.

Let’s go back to 1994 where Hulk Hogan joined WCW, a move that would solidify the promotion’s stance as a serious competitor against WWE. It sounded nice on paper but keep in mind that Hulkmania was reaching a 10 year anniversary at this point and the act was getting stale. What did WCW do to remedy this? They did the unthinkable – they turned Hulk Hogan heel and a lot of people found this to be captivating television. So that would be the inevitable method to fixing John Cena’s stale character right? Just turn him heel. Pretty much all wrestlers have gone through it: Hogan, Savage, Austin, Rock, Bret, Shawn etc. and you’re not entirely wrong or misguided for thinking that would be the best option but something about John Cena turning heel just doesn’t seem to work for me.

Let’s imagine it – John Cena turns heel. He kicks Dean Ambrose in the balls, joins the Authority, wears black jorts and cap and throws acid some kids in the face. Sounds great, eh? Well, you’ve now created a massive black hole in terms of merchandise and public relations. John Cena is extremely vital in terms of attracting younger audiences and let’s not forget his importance in terms of the Make a Wish foundation. Not only is he the most popular wrestler for Make a Wish but he’s the most popular figure for Make a Wish, like…in history. “Well, he’d be a great heel” Would he? We’ve effectively taken away everything that we hate about Cena in this process. We’ve ripped away the pandering merchandise, the condescending poop jokes and the stale, vanilla character. When Hogan turned heel in the 90’s he managed to shed his stale, rusty character and skyrocketed in terms of popularity due to the success of the nWo. The New World Order were the cool guys that a lot of older audiences were drawn to; just look at the countless number of nWo shirts at WCW events. Would the same thing happen for Cena? It could be a possibility. Yes, a change would be nice but I can also see why WWE are hesitant to pull the trigger because for as much as we bitch, Cena still rakes in a lot of money. If he dwindles in popularity, perhaps we’ll see a change but I don’t see that happening in the future.

I’ve gone back and forth, haven’t I? Blasting John Cena while stomping on any chance of a heel turn. You’re right to be kind of confused because this is a confusing predicament. The fact that WWE doesn’t want to turn Cena heel isn’t what upsets me, it’s the fucking laziness of trying to find any other method to solve this issue. And believe me, this is a big issue. Austin, Bret, Shawn or Rock never had this problem and it perturbs me how WWE don’t seem to want to deal with it whatsoever. All things considering, I’m going to try and delineate a theory to solve the issue and try to placate both parties. Would it work? I’unno but it’s better than not doing anything about it and giving him another “Will he overcome the odds?” scenario.

See you on the other side. 

Top Ten Games of the Seventh Generation: Part 2

5. Bioshock Infinite


I’ve been wondering lately what the collective opinion on this game is nowadays. Before I fell out of keeping up with gaming news and message boards, Bioshock Infinite gathered a bizarrely bitter backlash against its initial praise. From hyperbolic comments like “Worst combat ever” to sneering nitpicks, it was an odd turnaround for what is overall an excellent piece of work. Infinite doesn’t spend its time celebrating the success of its predecessors. Instead, it takes what worked and greatly expanded the parameters of its universe and mechanics. Surrounding itself in a bright, idyllic steampunk city established Infinite’s unique appeal and populating this location with memorable characters took the story a whole step further. The journey of Booker DeWitt was not wholly original; an emotionally troubled war veteran looks to escape his past by doing morally questionable jobs for shadowy figures. However, the performance of Troy Baker provided a lot of character to sympathize with Booker.

 The star of the game was arguably Elizabeth and in an age where testosterone packed shooters are the rule, it was a very welcome change to see a Disney inspired lady to steal the show. Unlike a Disney princess, Elizabeth was not just a damsel. She was capable and determined but also extremely useful in gameplay. Above all that, Elizabeth was frighteningly powerful due to her powers, making her character an interesting concoction of Belle and Scarlet Witch. The alternate reality concepts and philosophies were not perfect but they showed a concerted effort to tie the game to the previous entries, not for nostalgia purposes but to weave a layered mythos and come full circle. Like Mass Effect 2, Bioshock Infinite’s gameplay was never revolutionary but it allowed the opportunity to escape mundane shooting by introducing creative powers and concepts which set the fuse for a string of entertaining and explosive battles along the way.

4. Uncharted 2


A large criticism that the Uncharted series gathers is its blatant eagerness to emulate Hollywood flicks with its booming score, large set pieces and combustive cinematics. Funnily enough, this is what I really like about the Uncharted games despite not all of them being perfect. The first title solidly built the foundations to a promising series and I felt Uncharted 3 was too complacent and rode of it's name value alone. Uncharted 2 is where Naughty Dog effectively nailed the franchise's main appeal of feeling like the hero in the centre of a summer blockbuster.

Again, it has gained a certain stigma where a lot of people accuse it of trying too hard to be a movie which is where the game's nature may draw you in or push you away. It's one thing to simply show the viewer a high stakes, blood pumping and energetic sequence of events (ala Devil May Cry) yet Uncharted 2 drops you into these calamitous situations which serves to heighten the thrill of narrowly escaping death time after time. Not to mention that the dastardly hero is a charming mix between Indiana Jones and Nathan Fillion. The linear structure has also attained a fair amount of bashing and while constant linearity in the medium may be frustrating I would much rather a focused, straightforward journey than an unnecessary sandbox for the sake of it. In the end, I feel that Uncharted didn't simply recycle Hollywood tropes - they added another dimension to it.

3. Batman: Arkham City


There seems to be a lot of sequels on here, am I right? It’s not surprising to see sequels surpass their previous efforts because a successful sequel takes all of the good things the first title accomplished and builds on them. Arkham City was a true sequel to Arkham Asylum and raised everything: the stakes, the ability to explore and I think Batman’s bat ears might have gotten a little longer too. This was a game that embraced it’s comic book roots and basked in everything that makes Gotham the morbid city that we know and love. The story pays tribute to the original material almost perfectly and takes elements from the famous story arc "No Man’s Land" by Greg Rucka. It is also reminiscent of Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale’s Batman stories (The Long Halloween, Dark Victory etc.) by following the Dark Knight through a tense story that encapsulates numerous friends, rogues and those in between (Frogues?). Let’s not forget that we get to hear Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill who voice Batman and Joker respectively.

Capturing Gotham’s surroundings and atmosphere is one thing but what the Arkham series does best is give us the opportunity to really feel like Batman. Many superhero games follow a standard action formula with the chosen hero filling in as the avatar. Arkham City held many gameplay features that allowed us to experience the same dilemmas that Batman faces; crawling in the dark, picking off thugs until you strike down on the last poor sod faster than he can wet his pants. Why is it above Arkham Asylum? Mostly subjective preference but City also had a lot more on the table without it feeling cheap or gimmicky. The setting of Arkham City allowed us to have a taste of what it would be like to roam Gotham City, which hopefully Rocksteady will deliver on in the upcoming conclusion to the trilogy.

2. Borderlands 2

This game sits in this spot just from playtime alone, which would come to about 200 hours if I’m not mistaken. What makes the Borderlands franchise so great? It can be due to a lot of things. The satisfying gameplay is undoubtedly at the vanguard of it’s strengths. The game’s wacky setting allows it to employ a much more cathartic and unhinged sense of shooting and combat in comparison to realistic shooters of the modern age. Guns that explode like a grenade upon reload? You got it. Guns that shoot swords that explode and branch off into three separate swords that also explode? Of course. A not so passive aggressive sniper rifle that berates you for the violent choices you make in life? Why would you want that? Who cares, it’s still there to play around with. The loving devotion to the depth and variety of gun manufacturers adds so much volume to Borderlands' shoot and loot style. Tediore is different to Hyperion. Jakobs is different to Vladof. You know which gun you’re handling by the feel and style of how it operates, not just the logo.

What puts the sequel on this list instead of the first title is the growth of the world and setting seen in Borderlands 2. Gearbox hired Anthony Burch (Of 'Hey Ash What’cha Playing?' fame) to pen the game’s script and opened up a lot of avenues for this game to explore and showed how disparate the many regions of Pandora can be. The first game saw mostly deserts and savannahs which took much inspiration from Mad Max and while it was fine at first it started to lose its appeal towards the end. Borderlands 2 was not content with this and took the player from lifeless deserts, to icy mountains and to endless hills of grassy highlands. You were able to visit high tech science fiction bases, swashbuckling pirate hideouts, morbid swamplands, towns of high fantasy; it fills every geek hole there is to fill (except for maybe ninjas or something). The silly, unhinged attitude of this world allows Pandora to act as a home to so many unique establishments and settings without feeling incongruous or out of place. What lies at the heart of this series along with “shoot and loot” is potential. The potential to create any land or region you can imagine, filled to the brim with levity, excitement and out of this world characters. That’s a feature that is rare not only in games but in fiction as a whole. So while it may look like an impertinent shooter, there’s more to Borderlands than a lot of people think.

1. The Last of Us


One of the most acclaimed and celebrated games of all time is number one? Shocker. Well, blame the game for being so damn good. However, it’s not surprising that this game has also received some criticism due to Naughty Dog’s supposed habit of making “Movie Games”. Yahtzee from Zero Punctuation referred to this title as the video game equivalent of “Oscar Bait”. Should this game have been a movie instead? No. The game does not give the same experience if you just watch all the cutscenes on Youtube. This game does borrow a lot from film, such as the deep character drama and emotional score but it’s not trying to be a film. It uses these effective methods of film and blends them with video games to construct its own approach to storytelling. The gameplay and interaction matters just as much as the scripted segments of the game.

The stealth sections and heated shootout moments are paramount in immersing the player into the character’s mind-set. The real time crafting while trying to hide is sticky, frustrating and panic inducing but it manages to do all this while also being highly satisfying and rewarding with the sense of an emotional high. You feel like a survivor against all odds in often hopeless situations. This feeling is heightened when you pensively analyse the best routes to surreptitiously creep through or when you give up entirely and just desperately brick the unknowing sods in the face in order to escape.

Naughty Dog was able to tell a story that not only favourably nods to film but in some ways surpasses it; the use of violence being one of the main appeals. The Last of Us may feature lots of violence but it does not celebrate it. There are no satisfying headshots or fancy melee combos; only sluggish wailing of whatever you can find against vulnerable human flesh. The realistic sounds of force against the human body echo through the drab hotel hallways that lead to your freedom. You are not a hero, you are not capably conquering your foes – you are simply making shit up as you go along and using anything you have to bash your opposition into the ground. The violence is not amusing like Borderlands or enthralling like Uncharted. It is survival at its purest and the game isn’t ashamed to show the ugly side of it, instead of mindlessly praising the player for shooting some guy he doesn’t know.

The ability to play as Joel allows you see things from his point of view, to experience his loss and eventually understand why he turned out to be this person. He is not a paragon of virtue but an illustration of what someone becomes when you strip away all essence stability and empathy. At his core, there is a semblance of humanity but is overshadowed by a garish capability to commit horrific acts in order to attain what he wants or to keep what is (in his mind) rightfully his. The Last of Us has the balls to tell a full story with a beginning, middle and end without teasing any chances of a sequel or franchise expansion, which is rare for a Triple A developer to do these days. The ending does not feature an alternate or interactive ending which would water down the emotional impact of the character’s choices. It simply shows us what Joel chooses to do without any shame or celebration of his actions. Instead, it allows us to interpret the morality of Joel’s decisions which is an argument that can go either way.

This game understands how to tell a story of loss, pain and suffering without being overly morbid to the point of silliness (Something Game of Thrones fails to understand at certain points). There are many low points in The Last of Us but it also has the time for laughter which is displayed in the interaction between Joel and Ellie. This is all the more heart breaking when the story takes a turn for the worse and robs us of what little light of hope we had. We can only miss and yearn for what we once had and a macabre tale that doesn’t show us what could exist in this world eventually wears out its ability to be depressing. The overgrown nature and plant life effectively contrasts with the hopeless setting this characters inhabit. The apocalypse is bleak and morose yet there are hints of a brighter future – there is always something to lose in The Last of Us which makes it all the more tense.

That shining light of hope is brought to life in the form of Ellie, who is as important to the story as Joel is. Ellie represents the only thing Joel has left to fight for but she is not just a McGuffin to drive the plot. Ellie is capable, eager to act and most of all, generally fun to be around. She is also an interesting character due to the fact that this world is all she knows; she is only able to observe society’s long gone stability through the scope of old tales, torn newspapers and old movie posters. If a world this harsh can produce a beacon of hope like Ellie, then surely there is something left to fight for. This is why I believe The Last of Us is more emotional than The Road, more heart breaking than Game of Thrones and can be called the greatest game of the Seventh Generation*.

*Well….subjectively, please don’t ready the pitchforks.

There you have it. I hope you enjoyed reading this if you find this list in a sea of trivial opinions; hopefully it doesn’t take me another year to write something else.